Jokes

[mudpie]

POOF, THE  LIGHT GOES OFF  

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests  come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George,  everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and  emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God  and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it  so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the  light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor  says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you  because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that  he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes  off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the  fridge again! 

[NS9]

Speeding  Ticket



Did  you hear about the 83 year old woman  who
 talked  herself out  of a speeding ticket by  telling
 the  young officer that she had to get there  before
 she  forgot where she was  going?

< I>Makes  perfectly good sense to  me.....

[su06]

Juzzzzzzzzzzzz 4 laffff.   

1) Kalau kapal terbang masuk gua keluar kat mana?

- keluar newspaper   


2) Apa yg masuk straight keluar bergulung?

- Seluar dalam   


3) Apa yg masa hidup kita nyanyi, dah mati kita tepuk tangan?

- Birthday candle   


4) Scorpian color apa?

- Kala Jengking   


5) Dalam banyak2 kera, kera apa pandai menaip?

- Kerani   


6) Apa masa kecik hitam, dah besar putih? 

- Michael Jackson   


7) Kerusi apa paling jauh?

- SOFA   


Kenapa anak babi tunduk bila jalan belakang mak dia?

- Sebab ! dia malu mak dia babi   
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Dah toksah scroll lagi!!! Pi la buat kerja…. 
 



 

[NS9]

Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last…

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[NS9]

Bless her heart!
 
A sweet grandmother telephones St. Joseph's Hospital.  She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear.  What's the name and room number of the patient?"
 
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
 
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
 
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news.  Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.  Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
 
The grandmother said, "Thank you.  That's wonderful.  I was so worried.  God bless you for the good news."
 
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome.  Is Norma your daughter?"
 
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302.  No one tells me shit."

[NS9]

A Lawyer and a Chinese :

A lawyer and an Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he could get over on them, easy.

So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game. The Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?'

The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the
lawyer.?

Now, it's the Chinese's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails
to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500. The Chinese pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Chinese up and asks,

'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?


The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.?

[NS9]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE   
 
 NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she  doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a  towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these  items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in  any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a  book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and  funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about  dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY
 A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[makcik]

pernah naik harley tak?

dua orang pemuda sedang asyik naik kereta,tiba2 sebuah motor harley Davidson memintas kereta mereka dan berteriak,Aloo...bro!korang pernah naik harley ke belum?dan kemudian meluncur laju.
Hampeh mamat tu!baru naik Harley dah sombong!jom!kita kejar!kata pemuda yg memandu.
jom!balas teman nya.
mereka memecut dan berhasil memintas Harley,tak lama kemudian,harley tersebut berhasil memintas lagi dan penunggang nya berteriak,bro,korang pernah naik harley tak?
dan harley itu meluncur laju meninggalkan kereta kedua pemuda tadi.
hampeh,berlagak...eksiden baru padan muka!jerit pemuda yg memandu kereta tersebut.
rupa nya di satu selekoh tajam,harley tersebut memang kemalangan.
dan penunggang nya di hempap motor.setelah tahu yg terlibat kemalangan itu harley yg berlagak tadi,kedua orang pemuda itu berhenti dan menghampiri penunggang tersebut.
Bro...korang pernah naik harley tak ehh....?kata penunggang harley sambil menahan kesakitan.
Hoh!kau ni dah eksiden mcm ni pon maseh nak berlagak lagi ye?apa yg kau nak haa!
lalu penunggang harley itu pon menjawab,maksud aku ,aku nak tanya kalau korang pernah naik harley...boleh lah bagi tau aku kat mana BREK motor ni...?

[yatee73]

Humour of the day....
 
1. There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box.
    The Female pencil got pregnant !!
    Which Male pencil is responsible?
    THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.


 2. Woman in bed with husband's best friend, phone rings! 'YES'.. OK, BYE'.
   She turns to her lover and says,
   THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.


 3. Three Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay.
    Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!!
   Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!!
   Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!


 4. Three Guys were introduced to a girl.
    Hi,...... I'm Peter, not a saint.
    I'm Paul not a POPE.
    I'm John not a Baptist...
    The girl replied.. Hi.. I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN.


 5. Girlfriends are appetizers. Tastes good at any time.
    Mistresses are Tomyams..Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently.
    WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there's nothing to eat.!!!


 6. Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as  CHICKEN FARMER.
    She replied: I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!


 7. Yesterday's News :- A nun jogging at Jogger' Park was raped by 4 guys.
     Today's News :- Nearly 100 nuns found jogging at the park.


 8. Why do Indians talk non stop?
     Guess.... Still dunno? OK lah.....
     Answer : Becoz they left their full stop on their forehead.

[yatee73]

Ah Beng ETC

Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 not allowed Lah!

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Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.
Ah Beng: "Do you have color TV?"
Salesgirl: "Yes!"
Ah Beng: "Give me a green one, please"

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Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job. He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc. Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the question. After much thought, he writes "Yes"
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Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Ah Beng: "What is that shiny object?"
Salesgirl: "That is a thermos flask."
Ah Beng: "What does it do?"
Salesgirl: "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Ah Beng: "I'll buy it"
The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask
Boss: "What is that shiny object?"
Ah Beng: "It's a thermos flask."
Boss: "What does it do?"
Ah Beng: "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss: "What do you have in it!?"
Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"

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After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.
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Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his picture is being taken.
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Why can't Ah Beng dial 911?
Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

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Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it. When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command after some tries. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer for support.
Ah Beng: "I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah?!"

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Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered,
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear, lah"
"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But ... what happened to the other ear?"
Ah Beng answered: "That stupid dumbo called back, lah!!!!"

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Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.
Ah Beng: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei AND LAS VEGAS?"
Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..."
Ah Beng: "THANK YOU , lah" AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.

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After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to! a friend.
"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS"

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At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender, JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE" and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Ah Beng replies: "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah"

[Eye]

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India . She was  registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local Schoolmaster and she was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC.

( In England , a bathroom or toilet is commonly called a WC which stands for 'Water Closet'. ) 

She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC.

The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a 'Wayside Church' near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds.

So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
------------------------------

Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house.

It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.

As there are many people expected in the summer  months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room.

This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC, as it was there, that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces.

My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time.

I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.

The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters.

We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all, since many feel it is long needed.

I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster
------------------------------------------

The lady never visited India!!!

[maryatie]

Nak kaya cepat??

[maryatie]

petua tahan lama !!!!!!
Sesuai untuk yang dah berkeluarga mahupun yang masih solo.......
Ewah ewah ewah... korang suka betul kalau bab-bab nak tahanlama nie, ya?


Kat bawah nie ada petua untuk 'tahan lama'. grrrrr....meow...meow














KELAPA PARUT
Untuk lebih tahan lama selama 2 tahun.
Belah kelapa dan ambik sebelah sahaja.
Gunakan sebelah pada 31 December 2003. Dan sebelah lagi pada 1 January 2004. Wah...tahan sampai 2 tahun kan ?

NASI/LAUK
Biar tahan lebih lama,
Jangan gunakan jari pasal jari korang ada bakteria. Sebab tu lauk cepat basi. Ceduk la pakai sudu ke, sudip ke.

BARANGAN KEMAS TERUTAMA EMAS
Kalau untuk lebih 'tahan lama',
Bayar le zakat utk barang kemas tu atau pakai saja. Barangan emas bila dah terlalu banyak, kena bayar zakat. Kalau tak, tetiba hilang atau kena curi, padan muka korang, ha haa...

PAKAIAN.
Nak tahan lama,
Jangan rendam dalam serbuk pencuci lama2 sangat. Elak guna washing mach. Jangan jemur bawah mentari terik. Elak guna bleach. Jangan bawa mandi kat beach. Gantung bila disimpan.
Cuci guna air jeram/hujan. Jangan bagi pinjam kat kawan!!!.
Kalau nak tahan lagi lama PINJAMLAH BAJU MEMBER...
BAJU SENDIRI SIMPAN.

KERETA
Nak tahan lama.
Lepas beli, simpan kat garaj. tutup elok2. Jangan bagi angin masuk. Jangan bagi abuk masuk. Jangan bagi wap air masuk. Bayar loan bulan2 sampai abis loan. Gerenti tahan lama.

KENYANG
Kalau nak tahan lama,
Sebelum makan - baca bismillallah dan doa
Akhir makan - doa dan ucap alhamdullillah. ..

UMUR
Umur nak tahan lama?
Banyak kan senyum, jangan fikir semua masalah dan jangan merokok!!! (bukan sebab rokok tu bahaya tapi bazirkan duit saja, kalau duit tak ada, banyakkan lagi masalah).

ROKOK
Rokok nak tahan lama?
Jangan hisapplah... ...!!!!, letak atas meja dan pandang saja.
P/S: jangan hisap benda-benda yang dilarang...sendiri mau ingat
hahaaa....

TIDUR
Nak tahan lama tak tidur malam
Rajin-rajinlah tidur siang.

HUBUNGAN
Bertahan lama dalam persahabatan/ hubungan,
Jujur dan ikhlas je!!!!

Last word:
SELAMAT BERTAHAN LAMA...
...............sentiasa terbuka dan rasional.

HAHAHA..jgn ingat yang tu jer...