Jokes

[blackrose46]

Satu pagi di stesen keretapi, ada satu makcik tu dia tanya petugas
kaunter...

Makcik: "Anak, keretapi sampai jam berapa??"

Petugas kaunter: "Jam 2 Kedah, jam 5 Kelantan, jam 1 Penang, jam 7
Gemas. Makcik nak pergi mana?.."

Makcik: "Makcik nak melintas aja."
~~~~~~

Bidin melihat rakannya, Wafdi sedang membuat kopi, kemudian memasukkan sebutir ubat panadol ke dalamnya. Dengan kehairanan Bidin bertanya kepada Wafdi...

Bidin: "Kenapa kau masukkan panadol dalam kopi tu?"

Wafdi: "Kopi ni panas.. bagi panadol.. kurang sikit panas dia.."
~~~

Suami isteri bertengkar. Tiba-tiba isteri terus kemas beg.

Suami: "Kenapa?"

Isteri: "Dah kahwin 10 tahun, rumah ni tak pernah aman. Saya dah tak
tahan. Saya nak tinggalkan rumah ni!"

Suami kemudian masuk bilik dan keluarkan satu lagi beg.

Suami: "Betul jugak cakap awak. Saya pun fed-up dengan rumah ini. Saya ikut sama, boleh?!"
~~~

Seorang pemburu bertembung dengan seekor singa.Terperanjat, dia tak
sempat mengangkat senapangnya.Tiada pilihan, pemburu itu bertadah tangan dan berdoa.Ketika pemburu itu menjeling ke arah singa, dia ternampak bahawa singa itu juga sedang berdoa .

Pemburu: "Ah leganya........singa baik rupanya. Selamatlah aku."

Singa: "Ya.......singa yang baik selalu baca doa sebelum makan."

[Andrina]

:lol: lepak sey!

Got this from an email:

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!

ALL ARE WELCOME ~ OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (pictures & graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE / FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR IN THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint Presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonia from the one man who did

IS IT GENTEICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving Simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation Exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual Counsellors Available

[cheguThamrin]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an
oncoming truck and everyone inside dies.
When they get to meet their maker, because of the
grief they have experienced, He decides to grant
them one wish each before they enter Heaven.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one
what their wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous."
So God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line this and says,
"I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be
gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line,the
last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is
rolling on the floor,laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what
his wish will be.  The guy eventually calms down and
says:
"Make 'em all ugly again."

So, the next time you are last in line...smile!  

[NurCahaya]

Teacher : History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student : Please teacher,I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher : Why?
Student : There is no future in it.
 

*****
Teacher : Ted,if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much  would your father still have?
Ted : $10.
Teacher : You don't know maths.
Ted : You don't know my father!

****

Mother : David, come here.

David : Yes, mum?
Mother : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother : I know that.But I am going toHong Kongtomorrow, so I am scolding  you now.
******

Father : Why did you fail your mathematics test?

Son : On Monday,teacher said 3+5=8
Father : So?
Son : On Tuesday,she said 4+4=8

        And on Wednesday,she said 6+2=8.

       If she can't make up her mind,how do I  know the right  answer?

***


Old lady : Doctor,I've got a pain in my left leg.
Doctor (after examining her) : It's caused by old age.
Old lady : Nonsense. My right leg is all right and it's as old as the left leg.

****

Two men were facing each other on the train.
First man : I know my hearing isn't that good, but I never thought this  would happen. I must have gotten stone deaf. Here you have been talking to me for an hour and I can't hear a word.
Second man : I wasn't speaking. I was only chewing gum.

[excalibur^71]

Pak Mat adalah seorang penduduk sebuah pondok di Selatan Sumatra. Pada pertengahan bulan Mei yang lalu isterinya yang bernama Maznah Bte Hamid telah meninggal dunia kerana diserang penyakit jantung.

Pak Mat yang berusia menjangkau empat puluhan telah diperhatikan oleh jiran-jirannya agak luar biasa iaitu beliau telah pergi ke kubur isterinya sebanyak tiga kali sehari. Pak Mat pergi pada waktu pagi, tengah hari dan petang untuk menyiram kubur isterinya lebih dari dua minggu secara berterusan. Ada setengah dari jiran dan penduduk tempatan beranggapan Pak Mat begitu cintakan isterinya.

Seorang saudaranya yang terdekat telah berkata,
"Awak ni terlalu sangat cintakan isteri sehingga sanggup berbuat demikian, yang mana tak ada siapa lagi di kampung ini buat begitu." Pak Mat menjawab, "sebenarnya sebelum Maznah hendak menghembuskan nafas yang terakhirnya, beliau telah berpesan kepada saya, kalau hendak kahwin pun tunggulah sehingga rumput di kuburnya tumbuh dahulu."

"Oleh yang demikian saya terpaksa siram kuburnya supaya rumput cepat tumbuh......"  :twisted:

[blackrose46]

Tiga Sahabat Sehati Tak Sejiwa

Ada tiga sahabat, satu kura2..satu lagi katak..yang last ulat
gongok.

Suatu hari kura2 mengundang dua temannya kerumahnya buat jamuan
kecil2an.
So.. mereka bertiga buat le pesta kecil di rumah kura2.

Setelah asyik borak, makan, minum and lain-lain...
si kodok berkata: "Eh..dari tadi rasanya ada macam benda yang kurang la..korang perasan tak?....Ha .... patut..la rokok dah abis....... "

Kura2: "Iya la..sorryla gua lupa lak standby satu ....beli jer kat
warong depan tuh!"

Katak: "apsal aku plak......kau kan tuan rumah"

Kura2: "ye la.... tapi bertahun la korang nak menunggu....siapa lagi
cepat
                                     "
Katak: "so kalau gitu mintak je ulat gongok tolong....

Kura2: "Oh iya ya.. ulat gongok tolong gi jap"

Ulat Gonggok: "aiya.....korang ajela"

Katak: "ala ..gi saja la kita orang dah undi kau"

Akhirnya si Ulat gongok pergi juga untuk membeli rokok. Si Katak dan
Kura2 menunggu ......

Lima minit menunggu...si Ulat gongok tak tiba juga...10 minit..20
minit...satu jam...dan sampai tiga jam Ulat gongok masih tak
timbul-timbul.

Katak: "Ulat gongok pegi mana hah tak sampai-sampai..?"

Kura2: "Iye la .. risau jugak, jom kita cari!"

Katak: "Jom..!"

Bila jer kura2 buka pintu...Ulat gongok sudah pun berada di depan
pintu.

Kura2: "Hah tu pon dia..!"

Katak: "...mana rokoknya..mulut aku dah kering sangat ni..?!"

U.G.: "..apa rokok-rokok...aku jalan pon belom..!!"

Katak: " Haah tak bergerak lagi ...jadi dari tadi buat apa...?"

U.G.: "Yeeeeeeeeelaaaaa..korang tak nampak ke ni...aku tak abis lagi
PAKAI KASUT..!!!!!"  

[fiza7178]

Jokes nie kawan tadi pagi email kat Fiza


Posmen
==============

Seorang posmen yang datang menghantar surat.

" Assalamualaikum "

" Walaikumsalam "

" Ni rumah encik encik Sameon ye?

" Ya saya"

" Poning kepala saya mencari alamat rumah encik ni "

" Buat susah aje encik nie! Apsal tak pos aje"

********************


Buah Durian
================

Samdol pergi ke sebuah pekan untuk membeli buah durian... lalu dia menghampiri seorang penjual buah durian yang merupakan orang asli tempatan...

Samdol : "Bang harga durian ini berapa?"

Org Asli : "yang ini.. sepopit sebiji"

Samdol kebingungan mendengar jawapan dalam bahasa orang asli itu kerana dia tidak memahami berapa nilainya sepopit itu.. lalu Samdol buat2 tahu dan cuba menawarinya..

Samdol : "Bang.. Boleh kurang sikit tak"?

Orang Asli : "Boleh aje, nak kurang berape?

Samdol : "Lahupa.. boleh ya!"

Penjual orang asli itu kebingungan.. lalu bertanya pada Samdol..

Orang Asli : "Lahupa itu berapa?"

Samdol : "Cakap dulu.. Sepopit itu berapa?"

************************************
 

[NS9]

:lol:  :lol: best!

Ada lagi.?  nak hilangkan stress kerja petang2 begini....:lol:

[blackrose46]

Ada tiga orang sahabat si A, si B dan si C, yang
tinggal serumah di sebuah apartment setinggi 60 tingkat. Pada suatu
petang setelah tamat bertugas mereka ini telah kembali dari bertugas
untuk pulang ke rumah.

Dilihatnya ramai orang sedang berkerumun di depan
lif. Rupanya elektrik padam dan lif tidak berfungsi....

si A : Macamana ni...rumah kita lak atas sekali?

si B : Aduhhhh...bikin bingung kepala, nak panjat
tangga larat ke..?

si C : Aku rasa baik kita panjat tangga aje...kita
pun tak tahu bila agaknya elektrik ada balik

si A : Aku ada satu idea, kita panjat tangga sambil
bercerita, tapi kita kena bercerita yang sedih aje, sebab kalau
kita buat cerita lawak...kita akan terasa sesak nafas sebab kita
ketawa...biar kita serius dengar cerita.

Mereka pun bersetuju, so mereka mulalah melangkah
kaki memanjat tangga untuk ke tingkat 60.

si A mula bercerita...
si A : Aku masa kecil punyalah sedih dalam sejarah hidupku...aku
membesar tanpa bapa, bapaku meninggal semasa aku
dalam kandungan, dari kecil aku....bla bla bla bla bla.....

Punya la sedih
mereka mendengar cerita si A hingga meleleh leleh...sedar tak sedar
mereka dah sampai kat tingkat 20.
Mereka berhenti sekejap bukannya kerana penat tapi berhenti untuk lap air mata...kemudian mereka kembali
memanjat sambil si B pula bercerita....

si B : Sejarah hidup aku lagi sedih, semasa umur aku 5 tahun kedua ibu
bapaku meninggal dalam kemalangan jalanraya...aku dibesarkan oleh
abang sulung ku saja yang pada tu berumur 15 tahun. Abang
sulung ku tak bersekolah dan dia bekerja untuk menyara aku adik
beradik seramai 4 orang... bla bla bla bla......

Sekali lagi mereka bertiga meleleh sedih....punyalah lama cerita si
B dengan tak sedar mereka dah sampai ke tingkat 55.
Hanya 5 tingkat aje lagi... sambil melangkah memanjat tangga yang
ketingkat 56, si C mula menyampuk

si C : Alaaaaaa...korang punya cerita tak sedih lagi...cerita aku lagi
sedihhhh punya.

si A : kau ada sejarah hidup sedih juga ke...?

si C : emmmm...mungkin hari ini dalam sejarah...

si B : cerita aje le...kita dah tinggal 4 tingkat je lagi

si C : aku sedih kerana...KUNCI RUMAH KITA AKU
TERTINGGAL DALAM KERETA.... UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

[cheguThamrin]

>People who do lots of work...
>          make lots of mistakes
>
>People who do less work...
>          make less mistakes
>
>People who do no work...
>          make no mistakes
>
>People who make no mistakes...
>          gets promoted
>
>That's why I spend most of my time sending e-mails & playing games at work ...............    I need a promotion.

[cheguThamrin]

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents.
"We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

It was the lady up the street," said the boy."I don't know her name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Dear God," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me
to sell his new Porsche and send him the money."

"So I did."  

[cheguThamrin]

Dracula was killed one day and went to the heaven to see God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around sucking blood & killing.

"I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins", said God "I'll send you back to earth, BUT not in a human form. You can only be re-incarnated into any other living things of your choice. So, what would you like to be?"

Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a LIVINGTHING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD, heh..heh..heh."

"So be it"; said God and He turned Dracula into a VAMPIRE BAT. So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one day when he got killed by a farmer.

So up he went again to meet God, feeling a lil'bit sheepish.

"I'll give you another chance", said God. "I'll send you back again BUT not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?"

Still adamant, Dracula said, "I'll still want to be a LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD, heh..heh,heh...!" God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if that's what you want", and turned Dracula into a MOSQUITO.

So back to earth again he went, flying around & sucking blood until one day, SPLAT! He was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to meet God, feeling stupid. "I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. BUT, this time you cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a NON-LIVING THING of your choice.

So what will it be?" asked God.
 
Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy...then turn me into a NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD!! heh...heh...heh"

"No problem," said God and He turns Dracula into a NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD.

What do you think?














Dracula became a
............. Whisper sanitary pad....................With..................wings...
 
NOW WE ALL KNOW WHAT PADS WERE IN THEIR PREVIOUS LIVES!!!!!!!!!

[maryatie]

Tersebutlah kisah dua orang hantu. Mereka ni baru bertemu lalu mereka pun berborakla untuk mengisi masa lapang kehidupan mereka sebagai hantu. Sepanjang perbualan mereka, Hantu B ni tak habis-habis menggigil. Lalu, Hantu A yang kehairanan ni pun bertanya,

"Apsal kau ni asyik menggigil je?"

"Oh..cara aku mati dulu teruk..aku mati dalam peti ais...sejuk!!" Jawab Hantu B sambil menggigil lagi.

"Ooo..kesian... aku dulu mati sebab heart attack." Kata Hantu A ramah.

"Kau memang sakit jantung kronik ye? Apsal ko tak gi buat operation? Kalau tak, sure kau tengah lepak-lepak ngan family kau sekarang." Balas Hantu B.

"Dah,aku dah buat dah !In fact mase aku mati tu, aku in recovery. Panjang ceritanya..." jawab Hantu A sayu.

"Ceritala sikit..Sambil-sambil lepak nih.."

"Camni..Aku syak isteri aku main kayu tiga ngan aku. So this one day, aku ingat nak perangkap la isteri aku..Aku pura-pura gi keje tapi actually aku park keta aku kat simpang hujung umah aku je. Seperti yang aku syak, masuk sebuah keta kat carpark umah aku. Aku rilex dulu sebab nak carik mase sesuai tangkap diorang."

"So, ko dapatla tangkap diorang?" tanya Hantu B penuh minat.

"Tak. Aku cume jumpe isteri aku je kat dalam bilik. Yang aku heran, mase aku masuk umah tu, aku nampak ade kasut laki kat pintu umah aku. Aku tanye isteri aku tapi die takmo jawab. So aku pun lari-lari sekeliling umah aku nak carik jantan tuh. Abis sume bilik aku carik tapi takde pun.. Last-last, sebab aku penat sangat berlari carik jantan tuh, aku pun jatuh pengsan sebab heart attack. And aku tak sangka aku mati lak..." kata Hantu A mengakhiri ceritanya dengan kesedihan.

Hantu B terdiam mendengarkan cerita Hantu A. Selepas beberapa ketika, Hantu B berkata,

"Kenapa kau tak check kat dalam peti sejuk? Kalau kau check kat situ, sure kita berdua still hidup lagi.

[maryatie]

Di sebuah perkampungan nelayan..seorang pelajar U..sedang berehat di tepi pantai..melihat seorang pakcik yang ingin turun ke laut menaiki sampan..dia teringin ikut bersama2 dengan pakcik tersebut...

BUdak U : Pakcik, boleh saya ikut tak..?
Pakcik : Ha ..boleh..naiklah sampan nie..

Dalam perjalanan sampan mereka..budak U bertanya..

BUdak U : Pakcik..boleh saya tanya satu soalan..?
Pakcik : Boleh..tanyalah..apa dia..?
Budak U : Pakcik tau tak..Matematik..?
Pakcik : Oh..matematik..ish..tak tahu sangat nak..kalau kira tambah tolak
tu..pakcik tau ler..pakcik nie pun..nelayan jer..dulu sekolah..kantoi..!!
Budak U : Kesian yer..pakcik dah kehilangan 10% dalam kehidupan pakcik..
Kalau orang lain nak tipu pakcik senang jer..ehehe..

Pakcik tersebut bengang..dan terus diam..Budak U bertanya lagi..

Budak U : Pakcik tau tak..bahasa INggeris..?
Pakcik : Takat I LOVE You..I Miss You..pakcik tau ler..
Budak U : Ala..pakcik..hilang lagi 10% dalam kehidupan pakcik
tau..ehehe..ruginyerrr..Kalau kena jual orang Inggeris..susahlah
pakcik..!!Ehehhee..

Pakcik bengang sekali lagi..budak U sangat suka mengenakan pakcik tu..
Tetiber..angin dan ombak yang kuat di tengah lautan..memecahkan sampan mereka..dan ##%KECEBuRRR##& ke dalam laut..

Kemudian..pakcik tu sempat bertanya..anak..tahu tak berenang nie..?!
Dalam keadaan yang tercungap-cungap..BUdak U menjawab..

BUdak U : Tak boleh pakcik..tolongla..!!
Pakcik : Ha..tu la..keciannya ,tak nak belajar..kali ni..ha kan dah hilang 100% kehidupan ko..ahahahaha

[NS9]

:lol:  :lol: aku gelak sorang2 kat office..