Jokes

[Ianna]

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.  'House',
for instance, is feminine; 'Pencil', however, is masculine.

A student asked, What gender is 'computer'? Instead of giving the
answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,male and female, and
asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a
masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons
for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the
feminine gender (la computer), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic

2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is
   incomprehensible to everyone else

3. Even the smallest mistakes are
   stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
   your paycheck on accessories for it.

( No chuckling guys ... this gets better!!! )


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
(le computer), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time THEY are
   the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
   longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[Ianna]

Chuckle for the day...


      kids in school think quickly


      TEACHER   :    Maria, go to the map and find North America.
      MARIA        :    Here it is!
      TEACHER   :    Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
      CLASS         :    Maria!
      ___________________________________________________________


      TEACHER    :    Why are you late, Frank?
      FRANK         :    Because of the sign.
      TEACHER    :    What sign?
      FRANK         :    The one that says,"School Ahead, Go Slow."
      ___________________________________________________________
     
TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN      :   You told me to do it without using tables!
      ___________________________________________________________

      TEACHER   :   Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
      GLENN        :    K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
      TEACHER   :    No, that's wrong
      GLENN        :    Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
      ___________________________________________________________
     
TEACHER   :    Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD     :    H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER   :    What are you talking about?
DONALD     :    Yesterday you said it's H to O!
      ___________________________________________________________

      TEACHER     : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
      WINNIE       :    Me!
      ___________________________________________________________

      TEACHER   :    Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
      GOSS         :    Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

      ___________________________________________________________

      TEACHER   :    Millie, give me a sentence starting with"I."
      MILLIE   :    I is...
      TEACHER   :    No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
      MILLIE    :    All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
      ___________________________________________________________

      TEACHER   :    Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
      TINO:Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
      ___________________________________________________________

      TEACHER:George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
      but alsoadmitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
      punish him?"
      LOUIS   : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
      ___________________________________________________________

      TEACHER     :  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayersbefore
      eating?
      SIMON         :    No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
      ___________________________________________________________

      TEACHER     :  Clyde,your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
      your brother's.Did you copy his?
      CLYDE           :    No, teacher,it's the same dog!;
      __________________________________________________________

      TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
      HAROLD  :     A teacher.

[Ianna]

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?"asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea. After the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn," answer the women. When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."  :lol:


And I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women!!!  

[blackrose46]

A woman wakes up at night to find her husband not in bed.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, tears in his eyes.

''What's the matter, dear?'' she whispers.

The husband looks up.

''Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?'' he asks.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

''Yes, I do,'' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily: ''Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?''

''Yes, I remember,'' says the wife.

The husband continues: ''Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' ''

''I remember that too,'' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says: ''I would have gotten out today.''
- Spotted by Ng Wan Ching(www.newpaper.asiaone.com.sg)

[dee.anna]

21st CENTURY LIFE LESS NESS..!!

Our communication - Wireless
Our business - Cashless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our food - Fatless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our Follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our commitment - Aimless
Our life - Meaningless
Our bosses - hopeless
Our Salary - Very less !!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ianna]

Template for "OUT OF OFFICE" Email Auto-Reply
 

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail
to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain
removed in preparation for my promotion to management.

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send
me until I return from vacation on 10/18. Please be patient and your
mails will be deleted in the order they were received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first ten words and $1.99 for each word thereafter.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals actually did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 10 weeks, if I am still around then.

9: Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

10: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your
PC for my response.

11: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to
leave me any messages.

12: I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST:

13: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of
'Steve'.

 :lol:

[Ianna]

Does  your Company have a problem in recruiting the right person for the right chair?

Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send the candidates into the room and close it from outside. Leave them alone and call them back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation:

1)  If they are counting and? recounting the number of bricks - PUT THEM IN ACCOUNTS DEPT.

2)   If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks - PUT THEM IN THE ENGRG DEPT.

3)   If they are arranging the bricks in some other order - PUT THEM IN PLANNING.

4)    If they are throwing the bricks at each other - PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.

5)    If they are sleeping - PUT THEM IN SECURITY.

6)   If they have broken the bricks into pieces - PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.

7)   If they are sitting idle - PUT THEM IN HR Dept.

8 )   If they have thrown the bricks out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE MATERIALS DEPT.

9)   If they are clinging onto the bricks - PUT THEM IN TREASURY.

10)   If they are talking to each other and not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT CELL.

11)    If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN SALES.

12)    If they have already left for the day - PUT THEM IN MARKETING!!!

[Ianna]

Girl : Do you love me ?
Boy : Yes Dear
Girl : Would you die for me ?
Boy : No, mine is undying love

--------------------------------------------------

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

--------------------------------------------------

Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I born

--------------------------------------------------

Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

--------------------------------------------------

Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did u copy his? Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same
dog!

--------------------------------------------------

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!

--------------------------------------------------

Manager : Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact, I'm just the right person in this
case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!

--------------------------------------------------

Dad : "Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her."
Son :(goes over to the aunt) "Aunt, I am sorry you are stupid.

---------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "How do u think Shakespeare wrote such masterpieces?"
College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B or not 2B."

---------------------------------------------------

"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who
will be coming to school." "That's nice of her to take such an interest,
dear. What did she say when u told her u are the only child?" "She just
said, 'Thank goodness!'"

---------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "Where were u born?" Student: "Singapore, Sir." Teacher: "Which
part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."

----------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "Chong, u missed school last Friday."
Chong : "You're wrong, Sir."
Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"
Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!"

----------------------------------------------------

A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful'
and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan," said the
teacher. " 'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and
'illegal is a sick eagle."

---------------------------------------------------

Doctor : I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient : Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor : The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours
to live.
Patient : 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse? What's the very
bad news? Doctor : I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

-----------------------------------------------------

Patient : I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor : You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient : What happened? Doctor : Well, I've got some good news and some
bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient : Well... The bad news first ....
Doctor : Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of
them.
Patient : That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your
slippers.

-----------------------------------------------------

Patient : How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist : -90.00.
Patient : -90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist : I can extract it very slowly if you like.

-----------------------------------------------------

Teacher : "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow : "No comb, Sir."
Teacher : "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow : "No hair, Sir."

----------------------------------------------------

A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father. "My marks are under water," said the
boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?" "They are all below 'C' level"

[Ianna]

Jokes on Lawyers


A man went to his lawyer and told him "My neighbor  owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do ?

"Do you have any proof ?" -- asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500!" replied the man. "Precisely, that's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need, " said the lawyer.

-------------------------------------------------------

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students,
"If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..

-------------------------------------------------------

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognised the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"

"$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a cheque in the mail for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

-------------------------------------------------------

"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."

"Why do you say that?"

"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $250."

-------------------------------------------------------

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honours, and then went home to join his father's firm.

At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, " Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years! "

His father responded: " You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years! "

[Ianna]

Never Try To Outsmart A Woman
 
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
 
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.  
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
 
She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.  Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and then rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."  
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word.  I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did" said the wife.  "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque.  If he cash it, he can spend it."

 :lol:

 
Women Are Smarter Than Men
 
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his
stepmother.  

 :lol:


 
Words
 
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day ...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.
The husband then turned to his wife and asked "What?"  
 
 :roll:



Stupid And Beautiful
 
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.  God made me beautiful so you
would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to
you!"
 
 



The Beast
 
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper.
"Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in
me."
"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid of a mouse?"

 


 
Coffee
 
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
 
 Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
 So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
the top of several pages, that it indeed says....
 
"HEBREWS"

 :lol:

[Ianna]

Sorang laki baru beli sekor kucing kt kedai haiwan. Sorang budak kt situ
ternampak laki tu membelai kucingnya.
Budak: Chehss, monyet buruk camtu pun ko sayang??!
Laki: Budak, gila ke buta?... Ni kucing lah, bukan monyet, bodoh!.
Budak: Abang ni gila ke?! Saya cakap ngan kucing abang, bukan ngan abang!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


adalah sorang pakcik tua pergi makan pizza
Pelayan: encik nak potong pizza nie jadi 6 keping ke 4 keping
orang tua: potong 4 lah sebab kalu 6 tak habis pulak nanti.
pelayan: ??


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


seorang suami beristeri dua membawa kedua-dua isterinya berkelah di tepi pantai..
isteri 1: siapa yang abang selamatkan dulu kalau saya dan madu saya lemas..
suami: (diam)......
isteri 2: tentu abang selamatkan saya dulu sebab saya muda...
suami: kan kamu pandai berenang,abang tunggu tepi pantai....


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


sebuah pertandingan menulis esei tlh dianjurkan di mana esei mesti
menerapkan unsur-unsur kekeluargaan, klasik, dendam dan misteri.


salah satu penyertaan yg disingkir awal2 berbunyi sapert di bawah ini:


"Cis!! Pak Lang!!" ujar si satria."aku akan menuntut bela!! tapi kenapa
ye??"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


GURU:   ALI, MENGAPA AWAK TIDAK MEMBUAT KERJA RUMAH YANG CIKGU BERI?
ALI:        EMAK SAYA MEMBERI TAHU SAYA SUPAYA TIDAK MEMBUAT KERJA RUMAH
GURU:   MENGAPA EMAK AWAK BERKATA BEGITU?
ALI:        KERANA SEMUA KERJA RUMAH EMAK SAYA YANG BUAT

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

di suatu majlis pernikahan

tok kadi: sekarang ni saya nak uji awak tentang pengetahuan agama sedikit
pengantin lelaki: boleh..tanyer la aper pun...
tok kadi: awak boleh baca doa kunut
pengantin lelaki: bolehh...kunut panjang ker pendek
tok kadi: pendek dulu la
pengantin lelaki: kunutt...
tok kadi: kunut panjang?
pengantin lelaki: kuuunnutttttttttttttttttttttttttt..........
tok kadi: mengeleng kepala.........


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


di sekolah tadika.

cikgu: amri, awak ada berapa beradik?
amri: tiga, cikgu
cikgu: awak yg paling tua?
amri: tak. atuk saya....

[Ianna]

JAYMAN DAN SEORANG PAKCIK

Jayman dlm perjalanan keretapi, duduk bersebelahan dengan seorang pakcik.
jayman bertanya kat pakcik tu...

jayman: pakcik, sekarang pukul berapa?
pakcik tu tak jawab, jayman tanya lagi.
jayman: pakcik, sekarang pukul berapa?
pakcik tu buat donno, jayman tak putus asa bertanya.
jayman: pakcik, sekarang pukul berapa? pakcik tu tetap membisu,
jayman bengang dan tanya kuat sikit!
jayman: pakcik, pukul berapa sekarang?!!
pakcik tu renung jayman dengan tajam.

pakcik: aku taknak jawab soalan ko... pasal kalo aku jawab kita akan
berkenalan. pastu kita berbual-bual dan jadi akrab. kat stesyen keretapi tu
isteri aku tgh tunggu. terpaksa plak aku kenalkan ko ngan isteri aku yg
peramah sangat2 tu. pastu dah sure isteri aku akan ajak ko datang ke rumah.
kat rumah aku plak ada anak dara yang cantik macam nasha aziz. bila ko
datang mesti ko berkenalan ngan dia pastu ko akan bercinta plak ngan anak dara aku tu. bila dah bercinta ko mesti satu hari akan mintak ngan aku untuk berkawin ngan anak dara aku tu. masalahnya aku taknak terima
menantu yang JAM TANGAN PUN TAK MAMPU NAK BELI!!!  



BIHUN VS MEE

bihun sangat cemburukan mee. walau duduk di rak bersebelahan di supermarket, mereka tak pernah bertegur sapa. malah bihun sering mempersendakan mee di depan umum, "dasar si kuning gemuk... ingat orang suka sangat kat dialah tu!"

hari2 berlalu... namun mee buat derk aje dengan segala kerenah dan hinaan bihun. sehingga satu hari pekerja supermarket mengalih rak mee ke tempat lain.
bihun gembira kerana tidak lagi melihat musuh tradisinya. hari berikutnya
rak baru diletakkan di sebelah bihun, rak spaghetti. bihun rasa marah dah
berteriak; "hoi, si kuning gemuk! jangan fikir ko buat teknik rebonding
camtu aku tak kenal ko!!!"



TOLONG ENCIK POLISI!

seorang perempuan menelifon balai polis.
perempuan: tolong encik, saya diperkosa tiga orang yang tak dikenali!
polis: jangan panik, cik! bagi alamat dan kami akan sampai dlm 10 minit!
perempuan: mmm... datang dua jam lagi boleh, encik? baru selesai sorang...dua lagi belum!"



MABUK

jayman & mok (dua2 bukan nama sebenar) mabuk2, baru balik dari clubbing dan singgah untuk tido kat rumah jayman. sampai ruang tamu jayman bercerita...
jayman: hah... tu sofa yang baru aku beli, tv 29 inci tupun aku punya aku
selalu karaoke ngan isteriku kat situ, piano tu plak aku selalu mainkan
lagu untuk isteriku...
jayman buka pintu bilik tido di sebelah ruang tamunya...
jayman: tengok tu, pompuan cantik yg sedang tido atas katil tu isteri aku.
lelaki yang sedang tido peluk dia kat sebelah tu plak, sapa lagi kalo bukan
aku...



KONDOM

jayman (bukan nama sebenar) dan isterinya baru saja kawin dan merancang tak mau dapat anak dlm masa terdekat ni. jadik jayman ambik keputusan untuk beli kondom. sampai di kedai cuma kondom warna hitam dan belang2 saja yang murah. kondom warna putih mahal dan jayman tak bawak cukup duit untuk belinya. jadik jayman beli kondom hitam.

lepas setahun rupanya kondom yg jayman beli tu bocor dan isterinya
melahirkan seorang anak. sayangnya anak yg dilahirkan agak gelap kulitnya. isterinya sedih pasal anak mereka hitam.
Jayman: nasib baik saye beli kondom hitam dulu, yang! kalo saye beli yg
belang2 ntah camana rupa anak kita nih!



NYAMUK

jayman dan mok pegi berkhemah dlm hutan. mereka memasang unggun api dan banyak nyamuk datang menggigit mereka. waktu nak tido mereka padamkan unggun api. banyak kunang2 berkeliaran dan nyamuk masih lagi menggigit mereka.
jayman: hebat sungguh nyamuk2 kat hutan nih!
mok: hebat apanya?
jayman: kita pasang unggun apipun dia datang gigit, kita padamkan unggun api dia bawak lampu datang gigit kita!

[Ianna]

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, cheque or credit?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."  :evil:



CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.He answers that he is looking for a box of tamponsfor his wife.She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused,"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she."    :roll:



WIFE VS HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to anargument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."  

[Ianna]

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, AREN'T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't:
 1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $400 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, AREN'T:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter!
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.


 :lol:

[Ianna]

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.  The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear
again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.  I just sit around
and listen to the conversations.  I've changed my will three times!"


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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.  I know you' re about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really!? Like a new-born baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."


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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were
talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it
was really great. I would recommend it very highly."  The other man said,
"What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of
that flower you give to someone  you love? You know.. the one that's red
and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of
that restaurant we went to last night?"


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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out
of her hospital gown."