Jokes

[esBokz]

Essay Writing(School Composition)

Ted is 7-yr old n he's very bad in essay writing.
one day the teacher asked the class to write a 500-word essay base on
any title they like.
Ted thought real hard n finally he started his essay:





Titled: Composition - my lost cat




One day i lost my kitty, i went out to the street n started calling:
"kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
kitty kitty..." but she never comes back, that's how i lost my cat.

(510 words)

[cheguThamrin]

The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home.

He walks into the kitchen and immediately starts yelling:
"CAREFULL!!! CAREFULL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFULL!!! CAREFULL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"

The wife is very upset: "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"

The husband calmly replies: "This is to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving and you sit next to me..."

 :twisted:

[blackrose46]

6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING!!!

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I
can stay up by myself.

[maryatie]

BEST PUNYA CITER...Baca Jgn Tak Baca
---------------------------------------------------

Pada suatu hari ahmad dan rakan karibnya, hassan, pergi mancing kat sungai.

Dalam bosan2 menunggu ikan, ahmad berkata,

ahmad: aku ada satu cerita.

hassan: cerita ape?

ahmad: nanti kalau aku bercerita, kau kena ikut perkataan belakangnya, boleh?

hassan: yela...

ahmad pun memulakan ceritanya...

ahmad :satu hari aku pergi memburu.

hassan : memburu.

ahmad : aku masuk kedalam hutan.

hassan : hutan.

ahmad : tiba2 aku rasa nak terberak.

hassan : berak.

ahmad : aku berlari ke semak.

hassan :semak.

ahmad : aku pun berak.

hassan : berak.

ahmad : satu hari aku pergi memburu lagi.

hassan : lagi.

ahmad : aku pergi ke tempat yang aku berak dulu.

hassan : dulu.

ahmad : aku lihat tahi aku suda tak ada.

hassan : ada.

ahmad : aku pun tertanya2.

hassan : tanya.

ahmad : siapa makan tahi aku?

hassan : aku....

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

[maryatie]

Johan dilahirkan tanpa telinga, tetapi walaupun cacat dia berjawatan tinggi di sebuah bank.Satu hari dia mahu mengambil kerani baru dan tiga orang disenarai pendek untuk sesi temuduga. Calon pertama seorang lelaki yang mempunyai penampilan yang baik. Tetapi diakhir temuduga Johan bertanya satu soalan kepada lelaki itu.

"Awak nampak tak sesuatu yang ganjil pada saya?"
"Ya, tapi minta maaf kalau saya kata tuan tak ada telinga,"jawab lelaki itu dengan jujur. Merasa terhina dengan jawapan itu,Johan mengusirnya keluar dari pejabat.

Calon kedua ialah seorang perempuan yang berpengalaman bekerja di bank hampir 5 tahun. Dia lebih baik dari calon pertama tadi. Tetapi diakhir sesi temuduga, Johan bertanya soalan yang sama ditanya pada calon pertama.

"Awak nampak tak sesuatu yang ganjil pada saya?"
"Eeemmm... .tuan tak ada telinga," sebaik mendengar jawapan dari perempuan itu,Johan berang dan menghalaunya keluar.

Calon terakhir adalah yang terbaik, walaupun masih muda dia telahbekerja lebih 8 tahun di bank. Selain bijak dia juga tampan dan bergaya.Seperti calon terdahulu Johan bertanya soalan serupa.

"Awak nampak tak sesuatu yang ganjil pada saya?"
"Ya. Awak pakai contact lens," jawab pemuda itu,walaupun terkejut, Johan gembira dengan jawapan pemuda itu.Dia hairan kerana pemuda itu sangat teliti dan dapat melihatnya memakai contact lens walaupun mereka duduk agak jauh.

"Bagaimana awak tau" tanya Johan lagi. Pemuda itu ketawa besar hingga jatuh terguling-guling sambil berkata
" Dah tentu tuan tak boleh pakai cermin mata sebab tuan tak ada telinga".

[cheguThamrin]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
 
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."  

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find THAT out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Because you got an F in sex."

- dari email

[Ianna]

Kisah tentang larangan jilbab bagi anak muda

Seorang pemuda baru saja baru sahaja pulang kerumah. Ia sendirian di
biliknya melepas lelah sambil menatap langit yang membiru.

Kesibukan menyelenggarakan ceramah keislaman di masjid betul2 meletihkan.

Suasana hening dan damai kerana di flat kediamannya kerana ramai penghuni
masih belum balik dari kerja

Dari balik dinding sayup-sayup terdengar perbualan jirannya seorang Ibu tua
dengan anaknya.


Anak : Ibu..

Ibu : Hmmm ?

Anak : BU !

Ibu : APA ?

Anak : Mmm, anu ... tadi saya ke masjid dengar ceramah..

Ibu dengarlah ni !

Ibu : IYA ! Ibu dengar. Cakap ajalah. Kan ibu tengah sibuk
memasuk kan benang kejarum ni. Susah pulak rasanya. Agaknya mata
ibu sudah
nak rabun...

Anak : Bu !

Ibu : Apa dia ? cakap ajelah, Yang ?

Anak : Tadi, di masjid seorang ustaz bercerita soal jilbab. Katanya pakai
jilbab itu wajib. Ibu, Mulai sekarang saya mau pakai jilbab. Boleh tak Bu..
?


Ibu : Jangan ...


Pemuda dari balik dinding makin menajamkan perhatian pendengarannya.


Anak : Tapi tu perintah Allah. Kalau tidak patuh kita berdosa, Bu.Boleh ya,
saya mau pakai jilbab ?

Ibu : Kan ibu kata JANGAN ...

Anak : Tapi bu.. bukan lebih baik saya memakai jilbab kerana kerana kita
orang islam dan sudah tentu dapat menjaga maruah dan harga diri saya.. betul
tak bu...? Bolehlah bu..


Ibu : TIDAK !

Anak : Kenapa ? Atau ibu terpengaruh sama cerita bohong pasal memakai jilbab
? Kata Ustaz, jilbab itu bukan budaya Arab. Itu Syariat Islam. Islam yang
sebenar bukan adat. Dari dulu memang
diwajibkan demikian, bukan trend baru-baru ini aja.

Ibu : Iya, iya Ibu faham tu. Tapi ibu kata JANGAN !

Anak : Jadi Ibu melarang saya nih... Bu, mau tak mau saya tetap akan pakai
jilbab. Terserah Ibu nak kata apa. Tak perlu taat pada orang tua,kalau orang
tua itu menyuruh maksiat pada perintah Allah.

Ibu : Kamu tak faham-faham lagi ke?. Ibu kata jangan, jangan,

JANGAN !!!


Anak : WALAU APAPUN JADI BESOK SAYA TETAP PAKAI JILBAB. MUKTAMAD!


Ibu : JANGAN !



Anak : JILBAB !



Ibu : JANGAN !



Anak : JILBAB !!



Ibu : J A N G A N !!!



Anak : J I L B A A A A A A B !!!!


Pemuda tadi sudah tidak dapat menahan keinginannya. Ia terus keluar bilik
untuk bertemu ibu dan anak itu untuk membela si anak agar si ibu bersetuju
dengan kemahuan si anak. Tangannya sudah terangkat di depan pintu untuk
mengetuk ....

namun terdengar lagi kata-kata dari si ibu ...



Ibu : KAMU NI BUDIN, IBU KATA JANGAN.. JANGANLAH! KAMU KAN LAKI-LAKI.....



Pemuda, Si jiran sebelah pun berlalu ..dengan langkah yang longlai

[Ianna]

What is Marketing                          
                                                           
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.                      
You go up to her and say,  "I am very rich. Marry me!"      
       
                                     That's Direct  Marketing                                
                                                                               
      You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.      
          One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,          
                                                                               
                          "He's very rich. Marry him."        
                 
                                     That's Advertising.                                  
                             
                      You see a gorgeous girl at a party.                      
                You go up to her and get  her telephone number.                
         The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich.  Marry me."  
     
                                     That's Telemarketing.                                  
                                                                               
                   You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.                  
 You get up and  straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.  
                                                                               
        You open the  door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it,        
  offer her a ride, and then  say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry  
                                     me?"      
                                 
                                    That's  Public Relations.                                
                                 
                                               
                   You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.                  
    She walks up to  you and says, "You are very rich, I want to marry you."    
                                     
That's  Brand Recognition.                                
                                                                               
                      You see a gorgeous girl at a party.                      
                You go up to her and  say, "I'm rich. Marry me"                
                  She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.                  
                                                                                                                                                                                                     
                            That's  Customer Feedback

[Ianna]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them
that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things
down to help them remember.  Later that night while watching TV, the old
man gets up from his chair.

His  wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen,"  he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so  you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down
because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice-cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better
write it down!" she  retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it,
for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and
hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a
moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

       An exchange between a senior citizen and his eighty-year-old buddy:

       "So I hear you're getting  Married?"
       "Yep!"
       "Do I know her?"
       "Nope!"
       "This woman, is she good looking?"
       "Not really."
       "Is she a good cook?"
       "Naw, she can't cook too well."
       "Does she have lots of money?"
       "Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
       "Well then, is she good in bed?"
       "I don't know."
       "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
       "Because she can still drive!"

       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior'  widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for  a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk
with you  about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He  showed up at my apartment
punctually at 7P.M., dressed like such a gentleman  in a fine suit,
and he brought me such beautiful flowers! Then, he took me  
downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car! We went out for
a marvelous  dinner; lobster, champagne, dessert, and after dinner
drinks. Then we went to  see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I
enjoyed it so much I could have just  died from pleasure!

So then, we came back to my apartment and he turned into  an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had his  
way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling  me I shouldn't go out
with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no! I'm just saying, wear  an old dress!"

       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

       Three old guys are out  walking.
       First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
       Second one says, "No, its  Thursday!"
       Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Morris, an 82  year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the  doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
a smile on his face and a  gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"
       
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've  got a heart murmur.
Be careful.'"

       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A  little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he
ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed  nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."

[Ianna]

An Indian moves to Montreal and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The Indian said, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home". Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shavingcream etc. you get the idea?"

Of course," the young man said. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?

The Indian said, "One"

The manager groaned, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales/day. How much was the sale for?"

The Indian said, "$101,237.64."

The manager exclaimed, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

The Indian explained, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said "down at the coast", so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."

The manager was astounded, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"

The Indian hastily clarified, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I said,"Well, since your weekend's already screwed up you might as well go fishing."

 :lol:

[Ianna]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy,Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,"she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.

"I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. " Why do you ask?"

She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) Now keep that smile for the rest of the day.

:mrgreen:

[Ianna]

National Excuses used by Singaporeans


NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR HAIR LOSS :arrow:  Maggi Mee.


NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE  :arrow:  Traffic Jam.


NATIONAL CONDOM :arrow:  None.
Most Asians still feel embarrassed buying condoms. So they rush into a Seven-Eleven, grab the nearest  pack, any brand also can,  pay and leave before the cashier can even blink an eye


NATIONAL FRUIT FOR INDUCING MENSTRUATION :arrow:  Pineapple
 

NATIONAL APHRODISIAC DRINK :arrow:  Stout.
Many swear by it. But after a few pints, they start swearing at everything...
 

NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC(MEN) :arrow:  Food
Poisoning.
 

NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC(WOMEN) :arrow:  Menstrual pain.


NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY WOMEN WHEN REFUSING SEX :arrow:
Headache, kids not asleep maid not asleep, mother-in-law around, got early appointment, food not digested yet, aircon not cold enough, aircon too  cold, nail polish not dried yet , forgot to take the pill, sleepy, stomach cramps, period, haven't remove make-up, haven't shower, no water supply, going to watch "Santa Barbara", depressed, no mood, etc.


NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY MEN WHEN REFUSING SEX :arrow:  None. Asian men never refuse sex.


NATIONAL CURE FOR HEADACHES :arrow:  Panadol.
The "cure for all". If it fails, we have another secret weapon: Tiger Balm.


NATIONAL CURE FOR DIZZINESS :arrow:  Minyak Angin Cap Kapak (Axe oil).


NATIONAL CAUSE OF DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES) :arrow:  Happy Hours.
 

NATIONAL INSTANT CURE FOR DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES) :arrow:  The sight of a police road block.


NATIONAL RUBBISH DUMP :arrow:  Anywhere. As long as it is not your house.
 

NATIONAL MOST MIS-PRONOUNCED NAME :arrow:  Carrefour.
Sometimes even pronounced as Carry 4! On second thought, why bother pronouncing Peugeot, Renault or Citroen correctly. I think it sounds better, when the local mechanics say Pew Jeot". When I was in school, Milo was always Mee Lo, now that I'm more sophisticated, I say "My Lo". So don't
be embarrassed saying "Carry 4" when the Mat Sallehs shamelessly pronounce orang utan as "rangutan".
 

NATIONAL ROADSIDE DISTRACTION :arrow:  The Bra-less Tourist.
See how heads turn and traffic slows down when a bra-less Mat Salleh
backpacker goes bouncing about on the streets

[maryatie]

1) BRAIN TUMOR:

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.


Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)

Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?


Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?

Doctor: Then why are you so happy?


Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!




2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?


Mr. Bean: 9

Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?


Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure,
the answer is 6!!





3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:

Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.


Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?


Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!





4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:

Friend: What are you looking at?


Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.

Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?


Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!



5) Marriage:

Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?


Mr. Bean: 16

Friend: Why?


Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and
4worse.


6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:

Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?


Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't
see any picture.

Friend: What tape did you took anyway?


Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.


7)DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:

Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.


Friend: condolence, my friend.

(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder


Friend: what now?

Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!


MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:

Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because
of a power failure.


Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3
hrs.


9) Spelling lesson:

Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c
or two c?


Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

[dee.anna]

Hollywood Lessons

1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

[dee.anna]

Four MBA students were boozing till late night and didn't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt. Then they went up to the dean and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

The Dean was a just person so he said that you can have a retest after three days.

After 3 days they said they were ready. On the third day they appeared before the dean. The Dean said that as this was a special condition all four were required to be in separate rooms for the test.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in last three days. The test consisted of two question with a total marks of 100.

Q1. Write down your Names. (2 marks)

Q2. Which tyre burst ? (98 marks)